My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries