My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
they really do be looking like this
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.