Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My tweets are not to be taken:
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant
i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
Because dodging your own family wasn’t enough.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)