My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

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Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.


i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking


My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant


i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is


girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence


HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!


Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!