My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
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I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Thursday Thought.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.