I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”
Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!