@jacanamommy

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

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@MetteAngerhofer

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

@SortaBad

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

@EndhooS

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

@LindseyEllison2

If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.

@bluntphilip

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

@BalakrishnanR

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

@WheelTod

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

@SamGrittner

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

@kumailn

“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”

@HatesNiceThings

Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!