@jacanamommy

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

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@ruinedpicnic

“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”

@thepaulahunt

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

@rickolantern

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

@ItsSamG

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

@welegi_

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]

@Darlainky

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

@NotJPo

I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.

@darksidedeb

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.