My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

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“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”


Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!


Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.


My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow


these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me


My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.


I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.


Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?


Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.