The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
You Might Also Like
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Cndnsd Mlk
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*