My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.