My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
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Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?