me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
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Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
whatcha thinkin bout
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock