My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…

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Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)


I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.


I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.


[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.


Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?


My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.


Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.


Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.

– The Lyin’ King


migraine |my-grain|
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field