@MissNaughty1801

My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…

You Might Also Like

@CornOnTheGoblin

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

@KevinBuffalo

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@UncleDuke1969

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

@iinkedZombie

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

@milehighocd

Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.

@GinGander

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”