[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
When you’re at a sleepover and your friend doesn’t give you a blanket