@MissNaughty1801

My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…

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@PetrickSara

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

@Mindless4Miles

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

@yenniwhite

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

@TheToddWilliams

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

@FUN

Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?

@mdob11

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

@waelwulf

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

@Go2Slp

Mufasa didn’t die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper.

– The Lyin’ King

@buttnight

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field