Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
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Name this drama.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
become ungovernable
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.