My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
found a horse’s reddit account
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour