Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.