@iinkedZombie

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

You Might Also Like

@Rollinintheseat

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

@GonzoVice

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

@fro_vo

i had to discipline my pet rock

so yes i have hit rock bottom

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

@BlueOnBlack72

I don’t hold grudges.

-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.

@VerbsRProudest

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

@SteveSuckington

[first time having sex]

Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?

Couch cushion: ….

@MickSnark

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

@LittleMissAngr1

Them: why are you wearing a cape?

Me: i feel naked without it

Them: you are naked

Me: no, i’m wearing my cape

@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.