Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
i had to discipline my pet rock
so yes i have hit rock bottom
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I don’t hold grudges.
-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
[first time having sex]
Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?
Couch cushion: ….
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Them: why are you wearing a cape?
Me: i feel naked without it
Them: you are naked
Me: no, i’m wearing my cape
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.