My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.