My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Breaking news:
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.