My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Conservatives after a mass shooting: “You can’t take our guns!”
Conservatives after a police shooting: “But he had a gun!”
bout dat hot dog summer
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can’t say I do
DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.