My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment