My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
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DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Is this you?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up