My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
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*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey