My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.