My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
You Might Also Like
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?