@JanineEB4

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

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@fro_vo

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

@slimmy_shady

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

@JIMBOSWELT

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

@Ygrene

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@ozzyunc

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

@notalogin

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

@KeetPotato

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

@tweetsvisual

*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)