Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin…
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
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My motto is “Grab Life by the Balls.”
As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named “Leif.”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[pulls up after first date]
Me: well, this is my place
Her: a bouncy house?
Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY “YOUR MAJESTY.”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.