My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
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[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
So true for me
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay