My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
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A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
*jazz hands*
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked