I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Guy at a bar: wanna come back to my place?
Me: *elaborate excuse*
Guy: did you just say elaborate excuse?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
When you start a business but you have a life also.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?