My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
You Might Also Like
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse