My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

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Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…


society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week


A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.


Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”


My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.


every time i think i’ve met the perfect girl it’s three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again


Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat


Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.