Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
every time i think i’ve met the perfect girl it’s three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
i would lose weight but i hate losing