My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Me trying to “trust the process”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.