My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—