My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
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I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article