My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
You Might Also Like
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
WWE is French for “yes”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed