My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Every BBC series about the universe.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
How to woo a woman
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
live long and prosper!
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.