My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
You Might Also Like
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
When you kidnap a writer.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.