My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

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DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there



Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.


I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.



Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*


If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.

They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.


The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.


A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.


Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG