@PetrickSara

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

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@JillianKarger

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

@withanewname

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

@wildethingy

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

@TheChalupa1

If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.

They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.

@TheBoydP

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

@LuvPug

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG