@PetrickSara
@prufrockluvsong
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
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@prufrockluvsong
@iamspacegirl
[creation of clams]
God: this snail is grounded
@JillianKarger
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
@withanewname
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
@wildethingy
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
@AnOrangeSNES
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
@TheChalupa1
If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.
They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.
@TheBoydP
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
@LuvPug
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG