My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
You Might Also Like
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too