My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
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Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room