My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
You Might Also Like
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.