My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
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*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.