My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.