My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!