My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.