My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
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A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”