My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
You Might Also Like
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.