My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
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4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house