My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
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(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
mechanics be like
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.