Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.