My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
You Might Also Like
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”