My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
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we’re dead?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Good morning!
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!