@PattiOShankable

My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley.

Clearly, I’m going to hell. My kids don’t know what Bob Marley looks like

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@thistallawkgirl

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

@thecoliny

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

@TheMichaelRock

Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.

@JamieDMJ

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

@sweetg35

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

@fro_vo

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

@Darlainky

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.