A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water