My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
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can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care