This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
🤣😂🤣
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?