@turtledumplin

My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.

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@Pat_Bren

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

@matt___nelson

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

@robwhisman

ah excellent, an update to this software i use. think i’ll select remind me in 4 hours twice a day for the next seven months

@SortaBad

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

@pixelatedboat

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!