Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.
My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
ah excellent, an update to this software i use. think i’ll select remind me in 4 hours twice a day for the next seven months
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?