My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.