Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”