Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
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“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.