my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

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[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry


Just had too much fun with a woman who lost her son named “Marco” in the supermarket just now.


My 3-year-old son is building a shed for me in the backyard, but he refuses to cut the steel roof panels with a circular saw and a carbide blade. What the hell am I doing wrong??


[Joseph & Mary answers door to god]
“Mary, you’re looking well.”
[Joseph puts arm around Mary & raises an eyebrow]
“Jesus, your dad’s here.”


Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…


i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it


ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.


Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun?

Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.


My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace


ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine